Letting Go

Two years ago today, I woke up in a surgery center in Indianapolis without my thyroid. It was filled with cancer that had been growing slowly "for years". Cancer had a lot of time to get used to living with me, but I barely had time to digest the word before I knew I had it.

Camryn was seven months old, when a routine sore throat resulted in weeks of tests and the eventual diagnosis on my fortieth birthday. I was one of those cases that went against the odds. Thyroid disorders run in my family. It was very unlikely anything but benign growth, easily controlled with medication. I had never felt worse in my life. Always tired, moody, dry skin, brittle hair, bloated, always thirsty, achy joints, sore muscles. Looking back, I can't believe I was able to get out of bed in the morning, let alone care for an infant that had been conceived while I had cancer. I just pushed through every day thinking it was all post par tum symptoms and it would get better.

The first week I was given the synthetic hormone to replace what my thyroid wasn't doing, I felt like a new person. I didn't know I had cancer yet, but I did realize just how exhausted I had been. The pounds (about 8) fell off in days. It was all water that my body had retained due to the wrong message from the thyroid. Goodbye to what I thought were those last "baby pounds". Suddenly all those moisturizing creams were actually working. My parched skin started to look healthy. My body stopped hurting. I was happier, better prepared to face my fate, when it was delivered a month later.

Yes, I did get the news on my fortieth birthday. The Dr. didn't really know me. He had just been assigned my case to regulate my Thyroid, not thinking he would be passing me off to a cancer team within the month. Unfortunately, he was given the task of breaking the bad news to David and I.

The last two years have been a whirl wind of Dr.s, hospitals, treatments and tests. What was started in Indiana, continued here in Alabama. I have had an appointment pending for two years. I've been waiting for some test, a scan, my next radioactive treatment since January of 2007.

Today, April 14, 2009, I am cancer free, but I will always be a cancer patient. I don't have an appointment scheduled for follow-up, but I need to call and make one. I ran out of the EAMC Cancer Center last month without stopping at the appointments desk. I just wanted a brief reprieve, nothing looming in the future. I've decided to officially let go of my cancer, let go of thinking it will come back.

Good-bye damaged me. I'm fixed and fixed up.

I have never been stronger, never happier, never more sure of my faith than I am today. This journey has taught me a lesson in God. I was never scared. I wasn't sad. I never saw my kids without a Mother. I found an incredible opportunity to see life in a way most people only imagine. It truly is a gift from God. Cancer planted my feet firmly on the ground and lifted my faith to the heavens. I had a peace and calm I couldn't explain. My life is divine.

This is why...when I sing, I do it at the top of my lungs, when I run it's full speed ahead, and when I jump, it's to the sky.

It's because...I can.